dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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