Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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