well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
