I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
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