ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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