You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
