I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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