This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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