I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
