actually, I'm a sock model
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
