If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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