Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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