I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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