In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
