Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
What drink are we having for lunch?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
