I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
