i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
