I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
