wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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