just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize