Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
