So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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