Yo dont text me then not text me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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