Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
