someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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