Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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