I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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