There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
