I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
