I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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