Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
