he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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