My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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