whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
