Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I need a beard to bite.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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