I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
