can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
