Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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