I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
