The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
