Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you inspire me to be a worse person
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
