So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
