Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
