Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
