She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
