Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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