we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
