conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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