honey bunches of taint.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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