That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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