Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
