found the other keg... it's in the tree
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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