Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
