you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
