My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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