Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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