I want to stick my p in your. b.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
