And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Fuck appropriateness.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
