Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
